The Real Problem

As a person with Autism, I feel like a problem all the time. Most of my relationships, both platonic and romantic, fall apart because of my “quirks,” being neurodivergent. My Autism has also caused employment issues. All of this has left voids in my life.

In school, as a kid, not only did I feel like a problem, but teachers said I was a problem. Everyone, including me, believed them. Even the barrage of tests in high school that found multiple learning disabilities left me feeling like an even bigger problem. 

It was a different time, so rather than helping me with these challenges, they handed me off to a school where everyone had problems, primarily criminal in nature. Everyone said I was not college material, which stopped me from pursuing higher education after high school. The bigger secret I held was I could hardly read and write beyond a first-grade level, yet they gave me a high school diploma. 

Unfortunately, my bipolar mom was ill-equipped to help me. The school they farmed me off to did not teach me anything, let alone how to navigate my Autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, mental OCD, and so on. 

It is a crime when I think back to that school. Teachers gave me credit for graduating high school by allowing me to watch movies and tell them about them verbally. I got credits for fixing or servicing their cars; I was an auto mechanic in high school. Upon reflection, it is ironic that the only problem throughout my schooling was not me; yet, I felt like the problem. 

After years of blue-collar jobs, in 2020, when covid hit, I decided I wanted to go to college. I wanted a career, not a job. The other goals that bloomed were going to law school and being a lawyer in privacy law. However, I keep changing my mind about what law I want to practice. Thankfully, I have time to figure it out.

Not long after starting college in 2020, I received a scholarship for neurological and learning disabilities testing, which revealed I still had all the same challenges of neurodivergence. However, this time it mattered. People cared at school; they gave me tools to assist with learning. It was an entirely different response. 

Yet, despite the remarkable respect and assistance from the accessibility programs at BMCC & John Jay, I must confess I returned to feeling like a problem. Please let me be clear: it has nothing to do with staff at these institutions; it was/is still me. My brain sees questions asked differently from what they mean. I misread instructions; I screw up true or false quiz questions reversing what I mean to answer. My accessibility reader does not accept all PDF readings; not all textbooks have an accessibility reading feature. I have had pop quizzes in class and felt too ashamed to remind professors that I get double time in front of classmates, and the list goes on. The list is things that leave me feeling like a problem. I am also terrified that law school is the place where I am going to be an even bigger problem than ever. I fear I will be in a constant state of anxiety as my neurodivergent brain navigates the most challenging part of my education. Worst of all, I worry someone will tell me I am not law school material.  

Unfortunately, in my personal life, I still struggle because of my Autism, ADHD, etc. People think I am charming initially, and then my rigid ways become off-putting. My need for alone time offends, and my disinterest in crowds or noise quashes people’s dreams of going to clubs, movies, busy restaurants, and parties with me. My need for a routine that, if disrupted, will destroy my day. Yes, it feels that dramatic. 

However, I want to end on a positive note – my superpowers, as I call them, allow me to see things entirely differently from neurotypicals. I am highly disciplined, thanks to my superpowers. I look at my challenges as opportunities to learn newer ways to study every semester. Oh, and most importantly, for not being college material, I have maintained a 4.0 GPA and made the Dean’s List five times. I know I will make a fantastic lawyer because of my unique thinking. Once I get my footing, my superpowers will allow me to fly. 

I tell myself every day this is one more day to prove that I can do anything I put my neurodivergent head to. I have done what they said I could not do. I remind myself every day that I have something special; 

I have superpowers!